The Heart is a Lonely Haunter is an episode of Beyond Belief.
On the eve of Valentine's Day, Frank and Sadie decide to take a break from the supernatural interruptions in their lives. However, there is a knock at their door and, despite Frank's reluctance, Sadie's curiosity gets the better of her (she hopes it's a puppy, or an eskimo, or a puppy in a parka).
It's Cupid, who has come to ask for their help. Although their love isn't his doing, he does find them inspirational, and he needs that inspiration to help him with his plan to win back his lost love. Cupid had fallen in love with a mortal woman named Penelope Pepperdime, and despite his best efforts at choosing a mortal form to woo her, she rejected him. As a last resort, he used his arrows of love on her to force her to love him (which was cheating) but instead of falling in love with him, she died. Cupid realised that someone had switched his arrows out for the Diana's (the goddess of the hunt).
Cupid wants to Doyle's love to help him go through with his plan to return to a mortal form so that he can die and go to Hades to bring Penelope back to life (thus convincing her to love him). Although the Doyles are skeptical that this plan will work out the way Cupid wants it to, they agree to help (by holding hands).
Believing the switch to have been made by Diana, Cupid declares that he is at war with Diana and will have vengeance on her before he goes to Hades. Diana appears and, after mocking Cupid and the Doyles, declares a war on him as well ("one, two, three, four, I declare a god war!").
The Doyles retreat to the liquor cabinet on the opposite side of the room from the fighting gods (which was, in its' former life, a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf with rolling ladder). Mercury appears, and tells the Doyles that he switched Diana and Cupid's arrows as a prank. He's made himself invisible to the other gods, but visible to the Doyles because he wanted someone to share in his joke.
The Doyles, not finding Mercury's prank particularly funny, tell Diana and Cupid what Mercury has done. Mercury reveals himself but tells them that it's too late as Cupid and Diana have already declared war on one another.
Frank and Sadie introduce the gods to the concept of taking back things you just said, and Diana and Cupid end their war on each other, and Diana shoots Mercury. Unfortunately, since she was using Cupid's arrows, Mercury doesn't die but instead falls in love with Cupid. The Doyles convince Mercury that, out of his love for Cupid, he should help Cupid to rescue Penelope from the underworld.
Cupid and Diana switch back arrows, and the gods leave.
- This episode was a part of the Beyond Belief 2014 Valentine's Day Special, along with Bon Viv-Haunt.
- The episode ends with Matt Gourley reading the episode credits, and then the cast joins in on a reprise of Our Love is the Best.
- Clink count: 3
- This is the 159th episode of The Thrilling Adventure Hour.
- The previous episode is Fan Questions Answered! #4.
- The next episode is The Cross-Time Adventures of Colonel Tick-Tock - The Wright Stuff.
- The previous episode in Beyond Belief canon is Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Corpse (TAH #156).
- The next episode in Beyond Belief canon is Bon Viv-Haunt (TAH #164).
This episode was recorded at Largo on February 14, 2014 and released on March 31, 2014.
- Writers: Len Wein
- Director: Aaron Ginsburg
- Music: Andy Paley Orchestra
- Our Love is the Best written by Eban Schletter