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Malware Wars is an episode of Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars.


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WorkJuice Players

Guest Stars


Three months after the events of Crisis on Infinite Marses part 1 and part 2, Sparks Nevada is no longer the Marshal on Mars. He has left the United Solar System Alliance in limbo about whether or not he will take the Marshal of Earth job, and has instead opened up a hardware store, taking a cue from his laid-back alternate universe self from the previous adventure. The Red Plains Rider is now the marshal, Croach has officially accepted the position as her deputy, and their relationship is still going strong. Much of this is explained before the theme song, to a confused Folksy Hal, and The Red Plains Rider takes over singing most of the theme.

The episode opens with Ginny entering The Space Saloon. The Barkeep attempts to prod Ginny into gossiping with him as she nurses a drink at the bar. The mentions that Felton and The Widow Johnson are now moving forward with their relationship, and refers to her as Wendy, her first name. Barkeep prods Ginny to talk about her relationship with Sparks, but instead she tells him that she thinks her tech is glitchy, as she hasn't heard from Troubleshooter HQ about her new partner. The Saloon Doors jealously mentions that Red and Croach are still very happy together, and Ginny confirms their happiness.

McKinnon Cravely, a legendary troubleshooter, enters the saloon. Ginny is ecstatic to see him, but mentions that she didn't get a comm from HQ that he was coming, confirming her tech is glitchy. He says that he is there for The Saloon Doors, as she's the one gone glitchy. The Doors attempts to eject McKinnon, but cannot. McKinnon says that it's clear that The Force Galactic has been used on the Saloon, and the amount of tinkering that's been done on the saloon usually means the hardware gets scrapped and replaced.

Sparks Nevada arrives with a screwdriver McKinnon had ordered on his way into town. Sparks says he doesn't miss carrying the weight of the world, but mentions that items have been going missing from the hardware store. Red and Croach arrive, and Red says that the Barkeep has been taking the supplies from the hardware store. McKinnon then explains that the Saloon AI is the one who has actually been stealing the tools.

The Doors explains that she used the remaining Force Galactic in her vents to look through the alternate universes until she found one where she and Croach could be together, but didn't have enough power to get to that universe. So instead she stole the supplies to make herself a robot version of Croach. She opens a secret door, and the robot emerges. The Doors explains that since Nth Multiglobal and Pinkertron knew she was glitching, she blocked all of Ginny's comms to avoid being caught. Knowing all her lies are revealed, she asks to be shut down and to forget she ever had feelings.

The Croach robot activates to defend The Doors. The Red Plains Rider shoots and kills the robot, but not before Sparks tries to backseat marshal her.

Before Cravely can shut The Doors down, Croach speaks up and says that there is a way he can be with both The Saloon Doors and Red. He says he loves The Saloon Doors fractally and can create a nano-spore cloud to program his mimetic self in the saloon's inter-facial consciousness. He explains the procedure in more detail while speaking martian to Red, and she agrees for him to proceed. Ginny says to allow this would be ignoring orders from HQ, but McKinnon says he's a big believer in love, and will authorize the procedure.

Croach performs the nanotech cloud procedure successfully, to the Saloon Doors' delight. McKinnon says he will upload the successful procedure to the Main Brain, and leaves, but not before instructing Ginny to sort her business out.

Ginny explains to Sparks that he's glitching her. They're living next door to each other, Sparks is stalled out in making a decision about going to Earth, and neither of them are happy, though Sparks insists that they both are. Ginny asks if Sparks had made the decision to stay on Mars. Sparks asks if Ginny would go to Earth, despite her having unhappy memories there, but Ginny says she can't go right now. She says that he has to take a step in one direction -- accept the job and leave her behind, or reject it and stay on Mars and move in with her. Red also mentions that he can't have the marshal job back if Sparks stays on Mars.

Sparks says he'll comms the USSA to turn the job down, but delays. Ginny tells Sparks to let her know when he knows what he wants, then leaves.


  • This is the first time Croach has spoken in his native language on the show for more than one or two words.
  • Felton and Wendy Johnson's relationship began back in Sheriff on Mars. Neither of them has appeared in the podcast since that episode.

Theme Song Changes

As The Red Plains Rider is the current marshal on Mars, she sings the majority of the theme song, with Sparks Nevada taking over the bridge.

The Red Plains Rider
When varmits need a'catchin'
And youngin's need a'savin'
On my rocket steed I race across the stars
For I've sworn by the burrs of my astro spurs
To right the outlaw wrongs on Mars!

Yes she rights the outlaw wrongs on Mars!

The Red Plains Rider
Oh the hypercattle's humming
And the marjun's savage drumming
Are as beautiful as comet bugs in jars!
Oh I'm actually from Mars
And I right the outlaw wrongs on Mars!

Yes she rights the outlaw wrongs on Mars!

Sparks Nevada
On the plains of the red planet I sell my supplies
You can get them with a cash back guarantee


Sparks Nevada
On easels or fumigation I'll advise
I'm joining in the petty bourgeoisie

Petty bourgeoisie!

The Red Plains Rider
And I reckon I'll be ridin'
In the name of truth and justice
For as long as I can count them shooting stars!

Sparks Nevada
For I've sworn by the burrs of my astro spurs
To right the outlaw wrongs on Mars!

No he runs the hardware store on Mars!

The Red Plains Rider
And I'm from Mars!



This episode was recorded at Largo on January 10, 2015 and released on March 2nd, 2015.