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Folksy Hal (Narrator): Kids, shine your astro spurs and don your robot fists! ‘Cause it’s time for: “Sparks Nevada: Marshal on Mars!”

Justice rides a rocket steed across the crimson plains of the fourth planet. In the future of tomorrow, America expands ever westward into the wildest west of all: outer space! Where there is one planet thought to be light years beyond the reach of law and order. One man brings fear to robots and aliens, and hope to humans who yearn to make this frontier planet their home. His name is Sparks Nevada. He is from planet Earth, but he is the Marshal on Mars!

Please welcome your vocal luminaries - Nick Kroll, Scott Aukerman, Aubrey Plaza, Autumn Reeser, John Ennis, Kirsten Vangsness, Mark Gagliardi as the Marshal’s faithful Martian companion, and Marc Evan Jackson as Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars!

Sparks: ♫When there’s varmints need a’ catching And young ‘uns need a’ saving On my rocket steed I race across the stars For I’ve sworn by the burrs of my astro spurs to right the outlaw wrongs on Mars♫

All: ♫Yes he rights the outlaw wrongs on Mars!♫

Sparks: ♫Oh the hypercattle’s humming And the Marjun’s savage drumming Are as beautiful as comet bugs in jars Oh I’m… from Earth! But I right the outlaw wrongs on Mars♫

All: ♫Yes he rights the outlaw wrongs on Mars!♫

Sparks: ♫On the plains of the red planet I uphold the law And I do it with a pair of robot fists♫

All: POW!

Sparks: ♫Evil extermination I have faced For my robot rogues they hardly ever miss!♫

All: ♫Hardly ever miss!♫

Sparks: ♫And I reckon I’ll be riding In the name of truth and justice For as long as I can count the shooting stars For I’ve sworn by the burrs of my astro spurs To right the outlaw wrongs on Mars♫

All: ♫Yes he rights the outlaw wrongs on Mars!♫

Sparks: And I’m from Earth!

Folksy Hal: When first we left our hero, a prison break resulted in Sparks Nevada’s worst robot outlaws breaking out of prison and scattering every which way. How will the manful Marshal track and catch law breaking automatons dispersed across Mars? With help from Croach the Tracker, a Martian native.

Croach: My tribe is under onus to you, Sparks Nevada. I will repay this onus by aiding you in your hunt for your metal enemies. 

Sparks: …Robots.

Croach: Which you designate robots.

Sparks: Robots, yeah.

Croach: Yes.

Folksy Hal: When last we left our heroes, they more or less foiled a space train robbery, which resulted in them needing to stop a runaway space train. Only to be faced with an intergalactic mystery.

[UFO landing noise]

Sparks: Aw, who is this now?

Folksy Hal: Can Sparks Nevada and his Martian companion put aside differences long enough to keep the peace on Mars? Find out in tonight’s thrilling adventure: “Inside Out in Outer Space!”

Sparks: All right, come on Croach. Let’s go find out who this is now in that little UFO.

Croach: Sparks Nevada. You have abundant metal enemies to apprehend. An act in which I might assist you, and therefore diminish my onus.

Sparks: Eh, sure, but, that UFO just invaded our airspace. Can’t have that. Airspace invaders.

Croach: Sparks Nevada, that aerial vessel is not an enemy. Let us eliminate my onus by apprehending your metal enemies. Would you not rather do that?

Sparks: Yeah well, that UFO ain’t authorized to be in Mars fly space. If’n it was, it would be… I guess, just an FO. 

Croach: But… onus, Sparks Nevada. Metal enemies.

Sparks: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But reckon you can chip away at your onus by being, you know, like a, like a general help? 

Croach: Truly? You are not utilizing your… Earth humor? 

Sparks: No. What’d’ye say?

Croach: I am Croach the Tracker -

Sparks: Yeah.

Croach: - not Gilft the Helpful. Am I the right being for this task?

Sparks: You’ll do fine.

Croach: Well, I am under onus to you for saying so.

Sparks: You’re welcome.

Croach: It is not something I wish for.

Sparks: Well. All right, here we go. Halt there UFO! By order of the Mars-Earth Coalition.

Croach: The vessel does not halt.

Sparks: Yeah, well, this here lasso says it does. [Lasso noise] Ah, there we go, roped me a flying saucer!

Croach: You possess impressive ropesmenship skills, Sparks Nevada.

Sparks: Yeah. I’m… from Earth.

Croach: And I’m… from G'loot Praktaw.

Sparks: …Guh what?

Croach: Which you designate Mars.

Sparks: Yeah. Because that’s what it’s called. Which you designate… designated. [UFO noise] Oh that little UFO is tugging and tugging, but it ain’t going nowhere! Haha!

Alien 1: Mmm, request: Attention outside the vessel! Please release the vessel! Mmm thank you for your cooperation. [muffled] I think they did it, try it now. Try it now. 

[UFO noise]

Alien 2: I am attempting it compatriot. The vessel has not been released.

Alien 1: Mmm do you have certainty?

Alien 2: I have evidence and a theory! And now upon observation, I have certainty! Sugestion: Perhaps you should repeat your request.

Alien 1: Exasperated repetition: Please release the vessel! Insincerity: Mmm thank you. [UFO noises]

Alien 2: No, we are still apprehended.

Alien 1: New thesis: Perhaps the denizens of this ecosphere respond not to the manners, but to threats.

Alien 2: Perhaps. Empty threat: Attention denizens! Release the vessel or be destroyed!

Alien 1: Command: Try it now. [UFO noises] Inquiry: Did you present the emptiness of your threat?

Alien 2: Did I?

Alien 1: I believe you did.

Alien 2: I wouldn’t have.

Alien 1: It is more than a possibility. 

Alien 2: I should not have.

Alien 1: Agreed, amigo.

Sparks: You know we can hear everything you’re saying in there, right?

Alien 1: …Amigo? Did you leave the vessel’s exterior address system on?

Alien 2: Oh sh- [beep]

Alien 1 & 2: [mumbling]

[Banging noise]

Sparks: All right, you guys in there, in the saucer, come on out.

[Door opening noise]

Alien 1: Acquiescence. 

Croach: What adorably diminutive aliens.

Sparks: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Identify yourselves.

Alien 1: Try to comprehend the complexity of our signifier with your minuscule brains! I am Professor Genius! A tenured science being from the SK system.

Sparks: That ain’t… that ain’t so complex.

Alien 2: And I am Adjunct Professor Genius! Another science being from the SK system. … Part time. Unpaid. I’m completing my PHD.

Sparks: Wow.

Professor Genius (Alien 1): Nearly there! Nearly there.

Sparks: Again, as names go, uh, it ain’t so complex. As a matter of fact it’s pretty much the same as each other.

Professor Genius (Alien 1): Oooh, we are cousins!

Adjunct Professor Genius (Alien 2): We were raised in the same household!

Professor Genius:  Hilarious story: one time -

Adjunct Professor Genius (Alien 2): Let me tell it compatriot! 

Professor Genius: Okay amigo.

Adjunct Professor Genius:  One time, I called his mother -

Professor Genius: His aunt.

Adjunct Professor Genius: - I called her “mother.” But she was, and is, my aunt.

Professor Genius: Hilarious!

Adjunct Professor Genius: Laughter: Haha. Hahaha.

Sparks: Okay.

Adjunct Professor Genius: Hahaha. Hahaha. Hahaha.

Croach: Utilizing an improper designations is not humorous.

Sparks: Yeah, anyway, I’m gonna need to see your permits. You need permits to be in this- 

Professor Genius: Interruption!

Sparks: Why’d you-?

Professor Genius: Science needs no permits! Now amigo, display the Inversifier! 

Adjunct Professor Genius: Aha! Displaying: This is the Inversifier! With its application the Inversifier reversifies the relationship of outsides to insides! For science!

Professor Genius: Amigo?

Adjunct Professor Genius: Uh. Yes compatriot?

Professor Genius: Explication: When I requested you display the Inversifier, I did not mean for you to merely exhibit it and describe its use. 

Adjunct Professor Genius: No?

Professor Genius: No, no, no. No, I meant for you to utilize it and turn these Mars beings inside out.

Adjunct Professor Genius: Oh.

Sparks: Wait, Mars beings?

Professor Genius: Perhaps I should have said, display the properties of the Inversifier, but I believed it implied.

Sparks: Ah, I ain’t no Mars being.

Croach: No, he is from Earth, and I am from G'loot Praktaw.

Sparks: Mars.

Croach: Which you designate Mars.

[♫dramatic music♫]

Sparks: You designate it Mars.

Croach: You call it Earth and we have -

Insanity Jane: You sure are blue skinned. 

Jilm: Sure as shooting.

Sparks: All right.

Professor Genius: Mmm. Observation: More Mars beings beings have been assembled.

Sparks: No no. No they ain’t Mars beings, they’re more humans like me. 

Croach: Sparks Nevada, my antenna detect a high level of hostility from these female humans.

Insanity Jane: Hey Marshal. Why’s that Marjun doing using your name fer?

Jilm: Why come he’s using your name, Marshal?

Sparks: On account of he’s riding with me. Croach the Tracker, meet the womenfolk of the Lynchtree family. Insanity Jane, Jilm, Jindlefer, and Callusandra. Say hello. 

Lynchtrees: [mutter]

Sparks: All right. Lynchtrees, these here are some Science Aliens I am in the midst of dealing with.

Adjunct Professor Genius: Try to comprehend our complex names!

Sparks: It’s not that complex.

Insanity Jane: Oh, Marshal I’m about to have words!

Sparks: Now, now Insanity Jane, I see you’ve formed up a real angry posse here. But, as you can see I’m dealing with these outer spacers, so I’m gonna ask you ladies to hang on just a second with your guns and your pitchforks and the… pile of rope? 

Jilm: It’s a noose, gah!

Insanity Jane: Marshal’s right Jilm, that ain’t no noose! 

Jilm: Yes it is! Gah.

Insanity Jane: It ain’t! It ain’t tied right at all!

Jilm: Well, I done doned it as best as I could!

Insanity Jane: Well it ain’t done done good enough is it? I ain’t surprised the Marshal can’t descern it was supposed to be a noose.

Jilm: Well it looks fine, gah.

Insanity Jane: I ain’t gonna tell you again to retie that noose missy!

Jilm: You ain’t even told me to the once.

Insanity Jane: Not in front of the Marshal, Jilm Lynchtree! 

Jilm: Gah!

Insanity Jane: Just retie it.

Jilm: [laughs]

Insanity Jane: What?

Jilm: You told me to after saying you wouldn’t. [laughs]

Insanity Jane: Aaaaah I only told you to the once! Total!

Jilm: Well, still.

Croach: Sparks Nevada, if these humans do me harm, I will place you under onus.

Sparks: Yeah, we’re fine.

Insanity Jane: Get ready to do it then, Marser. Due to once Jilm gets her noose right, it’s harm we regular human people aim to do. To you.

Sparks: All right. Now, do not make me run you in like I did to your husband and his brothers, Jane.

Insanity Jane: Ain’t no law against stringing up no Marser!

Sparks: Ain’t no-? What, yeah, there are like five laws against it.

Insanity Jane: Not if I don’t know ‘em.

Sparks: All right well, there’s Mars Public Resource Code Section 15013 through 15018. Which is six. 

Insanity Jane: Okay well. 

Croach: That is six.

Sparks: Yeah.

Insanity Jane: I ain’t… familiar. So. You familiar Jilm?

Jilm: Don’t talk to me, I’m a retying the noose! Ah.

Insanity Jane: I do know the law states that ignorance of the law means it don’t apply.

Sparks: Okay that’s exactly how it does not work. 

Jilm: There, there, all this rope is noosed up.

Insanity Jane: Good, now that is a good noose! Fit for lynching a king!

Jilm: Uh huh. 

Professor Genius: Mmm amigo?

Adjunct Professor Genius: Yes compatriot?

Professor Genius: Observation: the Earth man is consternated by the fe-males.

Adjunct Professor Genius: Agreement: … I agree.

Professor Genius: Hypothesis: Were we to assist the Earth man and end his consternation with the fe-males, he might overlook our lack of permits and allow us to continue our science work. 

Adjunct Professor Genius: A sound hypothesis.

Professor Genius: Offense: I do not need you to sign off on my hypothesis! 

Adjunct Professor Genius: Explanation: I merely admired its viability.

Professor Genius: Weary acceptance: …okay.

Adjunct Professor Genius: I encourage you to advance to the gathering of observable, empirical, and measurable evidence. 

Professor Genius: Excellent! Please display the use of the Inversifier upon the fe-males.

Adjunct Professor Genius: Shall I?

Professor Genius: Please.

Adjunct Professor Genius: Once they are inversified, I will write a paper about the effects of inversification upon females!

Professor Genius: Such a paper will doubtless give you your doctorate!

Adjunct Professor Genius: Our desired outcome for this excursion! Annoucement: females, prepare to be inversified! 

Insanity Jane: What?

Jilm: Talk English.

Sparks: Okay, hang on a second, we’re not gonna-

Professor Genius: Amigo?

Adjunct Professor Genius: Did I commit an error?

Professor Genius: Yeeees! You should have just inversified them.

Adjunct Professor Genius: What did I do? 

Professor Genius: You announced it.

Adjunct Professor Genius: Did I?

Professor Genius: You did.

Adjunct Professor Genius: I couldn’t have.

Sparks: Okay, well, you did. So now, put that thing away.

Insanity Jane: Hey now, what - what’s inversify?

Sparks: It’s turning you inside out, it’s- you don’t wanna.

Insanity Jane: Do not do that on me!

Jilm: No, don’t you do it.

Sparks: Now, okay, you teeny tiny aliens got but two choices here. Leave the way you came and don’t come back, or hand over that inside outing ray, to me, and come do some paperwork and get a fine.

Adjunct Professor Genius: It’s not a ray so much as, as it is a projector that -

Insanity Jane: Aw, can’t we lynch ‘em Marshal?

Sparks: No, what? 

Professor Genius: Amigo. I believe that this Earthman is so simple brained that he does not even realize how much gratitude he will get by having us inversely these fe-males. 

Adjunct Professor Genius: Prepare for inversification!

Sparks: No.

Insanity Jane: No do not do this on me!

Jilm: Don’t do it!

Professor Genius: Amigo.

Adjunct Professor Genius: I did it again, didn’t I? I announced it.

Professor Genius: Mmm, yes.

Insanity Jane: I bet, I bet this is the Marser’s doing ultimately, all aliens is in it together!

Jilm: They look alike too.

Croach: I do not to any degree physically resemble these aliens. I am blue and have no fur. They have fur that is not blue. They are cute. I… am handsome. 

Insanity Jane: Disagree!

Sparks: I disagree too.

Professor Genius: Now, while they argue, without announcement, activate.

Adjunct Professor Genius: [whisper] My instinct is to announce it! 

Professor Genius: Suppress your instinct and display the properties of the Inversifier.

Adjunct Professor Genius: That was kind of like an announcement.

Professor Genius: But it was quiet and private.

Adjunct Professor Genius: Can I whisper the announcement?

Professor Genius: I don’t know, can you?

Adjunct Professor Genius: [whispered] Prepare to be inversified. For science. And for permits. And to a tertiary extent for a laugh.

Professor Genius: Good. Now doing!

[ray gun noise]

Croach: No!

Sparks: Croach! Oh!

Insanity Jane: Oh my god!

Jilm: Oh my god!

Insanity Jane: That Marser went in front of the inside outsie gun!

Jilm: He kept us from being turned inside outsie. 

Sparks: Okay, that… oh that is gross. Oh. All right. Okay. Now I got, mmm. Ugh. Now I got some serious public resource code to enforce. All right, y’all need to disperse. 

Jindlefer: But one law we do done got is freedom to assemble. Earth constitution. 

Sparks: Okay, okay true, but assemble elsewhere. 

Lynchtrees: Awwww.

Sparks: Look. What have I told you to never take into your own hands?

Jilm: The law?

Sparks: Hm?

Lynchtrees: The law?

Sparks: … Insanity Jane?

Insanity Jane: The law.

Sparks: Mhm.

Insanity Jane: Marshal.

Sparks: That’s right. Now, what do you think you’re doing with this riled up angry posse of yours? 

Lynchtrees: [muttering] Takin’ the law into our own hands.

Sparks: What’s that- I can’t hear you. What?

Lynchtrees: [muttering and other noises] Takin’ the law into our own hands.

Sparks: That’s - that is close enough. 

Callusandra: Sorry Marshal. 

Insanity Jane: Why bother having hands if it’s not to take the law into ‘em.

Jilm: This happens every posse!

Sparks: All right. Now. What I’m doing right now is trying to think of what kind of other posse you could be instead of angry. I hear tell the Widow Johnson’s fence wants a white-washing. Think how quick that chore would take if a, I dunno, a - a helpful posse would do it.

Posse: [talks over each other in agreement]

Insanity Jane: I was never all that angry to begin with, so, all right.

[♫thoughtful music♫]

Sparks: All right. All right now. Reach for space, fellas. You two, you two are under arrest for inside-outing a fella what, well, who I didn’t quite see eye-to-eye with maybe, nor whom did I… understand too much. But he was decent. Great tracker. Took- took onuses pretty seriously. More human than most Martians, and… well, even more human than some humans. I was… proud to call-

Croach: I am sound, Sparks Nevada!

Sparks: Croach? What?

Croach: Proud- proud to what?

Sparks: No, never mind. You’re alive-

Croach: You-

Sparks: No.

Croach: You were proud to-

Sparks: No. Naw. You’re alive in there?

Professor Genius: Mmm, facinating!

Adjunct Professor Genius: Recording! [camera noise]

Professor Genius: Query: are these photos for your scrapbook, or our treatise? 

Adjunct Professor Genius: Both.

Sparks: Ugh. Croach, all your inside-out skin is squirming around. Oh, that is, [gags]

Croach: Sparks Nevada.

Sparks: Ugh.

Croach: Slowly my body reverts itself to my proper, handsome form. [♫Martian drumming♫]

Sparks: Oh that. Oh that is gross.

Croach: It is glorious.

Sparks: It is so gross.

Croach: You are gross.

Sparks: You’re gross.

Croach: It is glorious.

Sparks: No. 

Croach: And this is beautiful.

Sparks: No. 

Croach: Praise Nah Nohtek.

Sparks: Nah what? What is that, one of your heathen Martian gods? 

Croach: No!

Professor Genius: Ah. Functional nanotech!

Adjunct Professor Genius: Highly advanced.

Sparks: No, he isn’t advanced. Martians are savages. Everybody knows that. 

Professor Genius: Casual segue: Speaking of Mars beings, as this one is unharmed, what harm have we caused, really? Is your offer to leave still in effect? 

Sparks: Yeah. Go on, fly away home. And never come back. Without permits.

Professor Genius: All right. I’m sorry amigo that you will not be able to write a paper on the inversification of the Mars being. 

Adjunct Professor Genius: Compatriot, I shall right a different paper based on what we saw here today!

Professor Genius: You shall?

Adjunct Professor Genius: A sociology paper!

Professor Genius: But sociology is hardly a science.

Adjunct Professor Genius: Still! I will receive… course credit.

Professor Genius: I am relieved to leave this planet, it only has several days left before its destruction.

Adjunct Professor Genius: Does it?

Professor Genius: You don’t know, amigo?

Adjunct Professor Genius: No compatriot, do tell!

Professor Genius: Well it’s really quite sad, you see - Oh, is the external vessel address system still on?

[beep, UFO taking off noise]

Sparks: Wait, what about the destruction of Mars?

Croach: Oooh the onus you will bear.

Sparks: What, I didn’t do, I didn’t do it.

Croach: You did it.

Sparks: I didn’t.

Croach: Whatever it is, it is your fault.

Folksy Hal: Is this the end of Sparks Nevada? Has the bold hearted Marshal avoided a lynching and destructive science, only to lose the entire planet in a couple days time? Will Sparks Nevada remain a Marshal without Mars? Turn in for the next thrilling adventure: “Feets of Strength!” That’s F-E-E-T-S. It’s like a, like a saying - one of those- well, you’ll see next month in Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars!

Credit

This transcript was originally posted here by SparksSpeaks at tumblr, and reposted with permission.

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