If These Walls Could Talk is an episode of Beyond Belief.
Episode audio on Megaphone (segment starts at 22:10)
Frank and Sadie are in their penthouse apartment, tasting eggnog (which they have received in a giftbox from the Vicars) for the first time. Sadie does not care for it, and Frank agrees and mixes them both a strong martini. Frank goes through the other items in the gift box - gingerbread, candy canes, chestnuts.
Sadie spots a present - it’s a photo of the two of them at the Vicar’s gala (Sadie fondly remembers drinking Mr Vicars under the table) with the message ‘to the most winsome couple in Manhattan, merry christmas’. This reminds Frank that is Christmas, which he is surprised is still going on.
Sadie worries that they haven’t gotten Mr Vicars anything, when he got them what she considers to be the best gift of all: the two of them. Frank says that Mr Vicars already has everything he could ever want (apart from a stronger alcohol tolerance), but says a drink might help them think through the problem.
While Sadie mixes their drinks, Frank hangs their new photo up. Sadie is delighted that Frank is doing such a “rugged” activity. Sadie finds a hammer a nail, and Frank prepares to hammer it into the wall, comparing it to dispatching a very small vampire.
An entity yells, startling Frank. Upon questioning, the voice turns out to be the wall itself, the West Wall specifically. The West Wall introduces itself and says that it used to be a man, until he was flayed alive. Frank says that he’s not sure if he could handle that but the wall disagrees, listing off the many supernatural beings Frank and Sadie has faced (ghosts, vampires, genies). Frank apologies for hammering into him.
The wall introduces himself as Walton. Franks if he has been watching them the entire time they have lived in the apartment, and Walton asks if it would have been better if he had said something immediately. Frank says it would have been preferable and Sadie agrees. Walton says now seemed like as good of a time as any, as the Doyles do not currently have any other visitors.
Sadie requests Frank’s help mixing a drink by the east wall. Sadie tells Frank, in hushed tones, that she does not appreciate the sentient wall’s presence and Frank agrees. Sadie says that should find a way to exorcise Walton from their home. Walton asks if they are talking about him, and the Doyles briefly deny this before admitting that they are planning to exorcise him.
Walton asks where he (or any of the spirits that they exorcise) go after the Doyle have exorcised them. Sadie says that depends on the spirit. Frank agrees, saying that they tend to send spirits where the spirits think they should go. Walton believe he would and should go somewhere terrible (a swimming pool full of mustard and wigs, specifically).
Frank says he seems like he could used a drink, but unfortunately Walton cannot take it. He laments not having friends like the Doyles when he was a man, and Sadie attempts to cheer him up by saying that he was always part of their adventures even if they didn’t know it. Walton says that it has been fun.
Sadie offers him another drink, and Walton says he cannot take one, but says that if she’s offering things that the Doyles could not exorcise him and he will return to being silent. Frank says that now he knows Walton is sentient, it’s not something he would be able to put out of his mind.
Sadie says that since Walton is part of the wallpaper and not the wall itself, they could peel him off the wall and take him somewhere nice. The Doyles offer Bermuda as any option, but Walton says that since he is essentially leather, he would prefer to be clothing - specifically, Sadie’s clothing. Sadie does not like this, and neither does Frank.
Frank says that if Walton would like to be clothing, he could be a leather jacket for Mr Vicars, to whom they owe a gift. Walton is initially hesitant, but Frank gives him the ultimatum of remaining a wall somewhere else or being a coat for Mr Vicars. Walton agrees to be a coat.
Sadie peels Walton off the wall as he screams in agony. Frank and Sadie pour liquor in him as a paint remover, which works and gets Walton drunk. Sadie spots an odd marking, which Walton says was his tattoo from joining a secret society. Sadie recognises the symbol as being of The Triangle Club, who had tried to recruit Frank at one point. After he refused, they were gifted the wallpaper that is Walton.
Frank and Sadie ask if their involvement/destruction of the Triangle Club was what caused Walton’s current situation and he says it was for sleeping with Pythagorus’s wife. His punishment was to be a punishment on others - he was supposed to drain the Doyles’s souls but he liked them so much right away.
Sadie asks if Walton would drain Mr Vicar’s soul if they were to give him as a coat, and Walton says he might. Sadie says that they cannot gift him to Mr Vicars. Frank suggests that they send Walton to the warlock who flayed him and attempted to cause harm to the Doyles. Walton expands his consciousness until he finds the man and confirms that he is still alive in a nursing home in Queens.
Frank rolls Walton up so that they can deliver him, and he and Sadie discuss what they can get from Mr Vicars. Frank decides that the best gift to get the man who has everything is nothing, and Sadie delightedly agrees.
- Clink Count: 4
Sadie: Look Frank, a present! Shall I undress it?
Frank: Only if you wish for me to be jealous of it.
Sadie: I do.
Sadie: Voyers by invitation only!
- This episode is a part of the third chapter of the Thrilling Adventure Hour Treasury - It's Christmas Apparently! (TC #3).
- The previous episode is Austen Translation.
- The previous episode of Beyond Belief is Blood Simpleton (TC #1).
- The next episode is Men on the Moon (FTV #3).
- The next episode of Beyond Belief is Long Island of Lost Souls (FTV #5).
This episode was released on December 17, 2018.