"I Don't Want no Trouble in My Place" is a song in The Piano has Been Thinking, the musical episode of Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars.
Written by Andy Paley.
Performed by: The Barkeep and Felton (Joshua Malina and Craig Cackowski).
Barkeep
Oh I don't want no trouble in my place
I don't want no trouble in my place
I'm a law-abiding member of this here human race
Barkeep/Felton
And I / he don't want no trouble in my / his place
Felton
An old lady walked in looking for directions
(Barkeep: Sure did!)
Sometimes old folks get lost in outer space
(Barkeep: All the time!)
You bounced her out despite her loud objections
(Barkeep: Of course!)
Barkeep/Felton
Cause I / he don't want no trouble in my / his place
Barkeep
A troop came in a'selling Girl Scout Cookies
(Felton: Woo! Samoas!)
They asked me if I wanted one to taste
But they could have been a gang of Girl Scout Crookies
(Felton: They coulda!)
Barkeep/Felton
And I / he don't want no trouble in my / his place
Barkeep
Take it outside, I'm a peaceable man
Don't want to be no witness to no rubble
(Felton: No sir!)
You've got a whole town square
to spit and cuss and swear
Or if you want a fracas or a tumble!
(Felton: No thank you!)
Felton
The Friday poker game was ballyhooing
(Barkeep: Yup!)
When Piston Pete pulled out that extra ace
(Barkeep: He'll do that!)
Barkeep
I cashed their chips, I smelled a ruckus brewing
Barkeep/Felton
Cause I / he don't want no trouble in my / his place
Barkeep
The Halley's comet gang it came a calling
A gunning for a town to lay to waste
Felton
You said "Take it too O'Toole's with all your brawling"
Barkeep
Cause O'Toole he likes that trouble in his place!
(Felton: I never understood that.)
Barkeep/Felton
I / he don't want no trouble in my / his place
I / he don't want no trouble in my / his place
Barkeep
Look at this law-abiding, easy-riding, bona-fiding face
(Felton: I'm looking!)
Barkeep/Felton
I / he don't want no trouble in my / his place!