Hell Is the Loneliest Number is an episode of Beyond Belief and the first podcasted episode of The Thrilling Adventure Hour.
- Frank Doyle - Paul F. Tompkins
- Sadie Doyle - Paget Brewster
- Carter Caldwell - John Ennis
- Bobo Brubaker - Craig Cackowski
- Taxi Driver - Dave (Gruber) Allen
- Spooky Hal (Narrator) - Hal Lublin
Frank and Sadie's quiet night in is interrupted by Carter Caldwell, a fellow fixture of the society pages and a "confirmed bachelor." Carter had previously tried to call the Doyles, only to find that they had left their phone off the hook. At first the Doyles think it's Carter himself who needs their help, but he explains that he wants them to perform an exorcism on his "most stalwart acquaintance," Delancé, who is possessed by a demon.
The Doyles accompany Carter to his mansion where they meet Father Timothy, a priest who claims to have been sent there by God to help. Since this means they can drink instead of performing an exorcism, the Doyles are more than happy to let Father Timothy take over.
Inside, Carter shows the Doyles and Father Timothy to Delancé. Father Timothy agrees that the situation is very dire, but says he is unable to complete the exorcism properly due to "earthly concerns." The Doyles become suspicious when Father Timothy claims that these earthly concerns will be lifted from his mind only if his church's rectory receives vast sums of money. Carter, desperate for his beloved Delancé to be free of the demon, will pay any price.
When Carter leaves the room to fetch the Doyles more liquor, they question Father Timothy and Delancé about the possession. Delancé, sensing that the Doyles know he is not truly possessed, asks them to not reveal him. Sadie recognizes Delancé as Bobo Brubaker, one of her ex-boyfriends. The Doyles tell Bobo they will not be silent about the con he's running on Carter.
Carter returns with the Doyles' liquor, and the Doyles tell him they have exorcised Delancé. Bobo insists that he is still possessed and can be exorcised only by a well-paid priest. Seeing that Bobo will continue his con if he is not stopped, the Doyles tell Carter about Bobo's true identity and purpose. Carter doesn't believe them, but upon saying Delancé's full name aloud ("Delancé Facade") he realizes that he has been deceived.
Carter is distraught that Bobo could deceive him in such a way when he thought the feelings between them were real. Bobo assures Carter that although their relationship started out as a con, he now has real feelings for Carter. Carter relents, saying that he will give Bobo whatever money he needs.
Before Carter can give Bobo the money, the Doyles asks Bobo to tell them Carter's name. Bobo, after much hemming and hawing, gives the wrong name, and Carter kicks him and Father Timothy out of the mansion. Carter bemoans his lack of luck in love, so the Doyles suggest drinking. They then return to their own apartment.
- Carter: Dreadfully sorry. I’ll just leave you alone.
- Frank: See that you do, and take that bottle of expensive single malt scotch with you.
- Sadie: Frank! Listen to the content of your admonition.
- Frank: "Take that bottle of expensive single malt..." Hey, wait a moment! Don’t give up that easily, old man. Come in! Have a drink with us!
- Sadie: Frank, you’ve confused your text and your subtext again. Has that ever happened to you, Caldwell?
- Carter: I’m not certain I take your meaning.
- Sadie: I’m not certain you’re not certain. Wink!
- Frank: And how much would that cost?
- Father Timothy: Oh, money. So much money.
- Carter: Why, that is roughly the amount of money I have!
- Frank: Sure it is, Mark.
- Carter: My name’s not Mark.
- Frank: And yet.
- Sadie: Have you ever exorcised anyone before?
- Father Timothy: Oh, nigh constantly. I am a tool of the Lord.
- Frank: Well, you’re half right.
- Sadie: We’ll have that pesky “demon” out of your “friend” in no time.
- Father Timothy: ...and in His wisdom, He guided me to this place.
- Frank: Uh, just a moment. God made you forgo your breakfast in order to get you here lickety-split... and then made you wait outside?
- Father Timothy: And lo! this door was lock'd.
- Frank: But assuming you've been here longer than two minutes... you coulda had your toast.
- This is the first podcasted episode of the Thrilling Adventure Hour podcast.
- The next episode is Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars - Inside Out In Outer Space.
- Thus is the first episode of Beyond Belief. The next Beyond Belief episode is Wishing Hell (TAH #5).
Recorded at on Aug. 7, 2010 at Largo at the Coronet in Los Angeles, California. It was released on Jan. 9, 2011.