Die Hardware

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Die Hardware is an episode of Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars.


Patreon exclusive.


WorkJuice Players

Guest Stars


In his hardware store, Sparks Nevada paints the last few brush strokes on his newest birdhouse. He talks to himself about his situation between himself, Ginny, and not deciding whether or not to take the Marshal of Earth job.

Billy the Bot enters. Sparks recognizes Billy immediately, while Billy doesn't recognize Sparks. Billy explains that Piston Pete is robbing the bank and didn't want to share, so while the law is tied up with that, he has come to rob the hardware store. While he is explaining this, and badly guessing at riddles, Sparks switches his gun with the newly-built birdhouse. Sparks empties Billy's gun the boring way, by dropping the bullets to the floor. Billy compliments Sparks on the birdhouse's craftsmanship, and finally recognizes him.

The Red Plains Rider and Croach the Tracker enter the hardware store. Red is speaking in the formal manner of a denizen of G'loot Praktaw. Red says she's speaking that way on purpose, and praises Nah Nohtek. She says that they just came from the holdup at the bank, Piston Pete got away, and it was caused somewhat because of the way Red is speaking today. Croach complains that he was shot several times as a result, but tracks Pete despite Billy saying he's impossible to track.

Billy threatens to smash the birdhouse he's still holding out of anger, and Sparks tells Billy not to, as Red and Croach will take him to jail. Red becomes upset that Sparks is telling Red how to marshal. Billy tells Sparks to give him his gun, but Sparks puts it on the counter and gets out of the way. Billy swipes the gun, and Sparks tells Red and Croach that they were supposed to shoot him. Red and Croach say that they couldn't shoot because they'd ruin the birdhouse. While Billy grabs the bullets from the floor and loads the gun, Red again tells Sparks not to tell her how to marshal, and says he can be as bad as Croach.

Red then explains that she's been talking like Croach because they went back to visit the elders of the tribe to tell them that they're once again a couple. Red felt that she wasn't accepted, though Croach insists that she is. Red was upset because Croach wouldn't hold her hand, and Croach says that is something that martians do not do. Red knows that martians do not know what hand holding is, therefore wouldn't be upset that they did so. Red says that Croach wants her to be a martian, so she is speaking like one.

Sparks asks Red and Croach to table the discussion in order to arrest Billy, but Croach takes Red's hand and says he won't let go until he holds it as long as he was supposed to when visiting the tribe. Red now can't arrest Billy without both hands. Sparks is upset, but Red points out that Sparks often let personal issues get in the way of marshaling when he had the job.

Gork, the robot sheriff of town, arrives. He is going to arrest Billy, but Croach asks after Gork's human baby. Gork shares stories about his daughter and shows holograpic pictures, instead of arresting Billy. Croach confesses that he is not sure he is ready to be a progenitor.

Croach explains that the tribe's elders said that they'd told Red and Croach that he and Red are expected to fertilize Croach's eggsacs very soon, and it made him anxious. Red realizes that this is why Croach didn't hold her hand. Gork tells them that they shouldn't make babies until they're prepared, but they'll never be prepared. All they need to do is love their baby. Red says Croach won't have a problem with that.

Tired of waiting for a rescue, Sparks smashes his birdhouse on Billy, then pulls his robot fists from under the counter and punches Billy out with them. Sparks realizes that he's not cut out to be a hardware store owner. He's a marshal and he'll be a marshal again, but the question remains -- where will he be marshal?


  • This is the first time it's been reported that Croach has taken heavy physical damage since his resurrection in Personal Business.
  • Gork's human baby was seen in Custard's Last Stand.
  • The theme song is sung the same as in Malware Wars - Sparks explains that he is no longer the marshal, now Red is marshal, and Croach is her deputy. The Red Plains Rider then sings most of the theme, with Sparks taking over the bridge and the last few lines. There are slight lyric changes at the end from Malware Wars, see below.
  • Red claims to be from Earth at the end of the theme song, but this is likely a mis-spoken line as she has always said she is from Mars, including earlier in the song.

Theme Song Changes

The Red Plains Rider
When there's varmits need a'catchin'
And youngin's need a'savin'
On my rocket steed I race across the stars
For I've sworn by the burrs of my astro spurs
To right the outlaw wrongs on Mars!

Yes she rights the outlaw wrongs on Mars!

The Red Plains Rider
Oh the hypercattle's humming
And the marjun's savage drumming
Are as beautiful as comet bugs in jars!
Oh I'm actually from Mars
And I right the outlaw wrongs on Mars!

Yes she rights the outlaw wrongs on Mars!

Sparks Nevada
On the plains of the red planet I sell my supplies
You can get them with a cash back guarantee


Sparks Nevada
On easels or fumigation I'll advise
Because I'm in the petty bourgeoisie

Petty bourgeoisie!

The Red Plains Rider
And I reckon I'll be ridin'
In the name of truth and justice
For as long as I can count them shooting stars!

Sparks Nevada
For I've sworn by signature on my vendor's bond
To run the hardware store on Mars

Yes he runs the hardware store on Mars!

The Red Plains Rider
And I'm from Earth!



This episode was recorded at SF Sketchfest on February 7, 2015 and released on April 6, 2015.

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