Dead & Breakfast is an episode of Beyond Belief.
- Frank Doyle - Paul F. Tompkins
- Sadie Doyle - Paget Brewster
- Cheston - Craig Cackowski
- Lustraya - Janet Varney
- Shell - Annie Savage
- The Bartender - Marc Evan Jackson
Frank and Sadie have gone on holiday to the country for their anniversary. Neither of them are looking forward to it, but were only enthusiastic about it because they thought the other might like it. As it is too late at night to turn back, they decide to spend one night in the cottage before returning to New York City.
Cheston, the owner of The Morning Inn, welcomes the Doyles. Frank and Sadie say they will not be staying longer than one night, but Cheston is disbelieving. Cheston tells them some of the building’s history (that it began as a tavern), which the Doyles already know (that was, of course, why they chose it as a holiday destination).
He shows the Doyles to their room (called ‘The Warm Embrace’), which has a bar by the bed to the delight of the Doyles. With an ominous remark, Cheston leaves.
Lustraya enters, talking about the dream her husband and she once had about owning a bed and breakfast, and hints that their dream has become their nightmare. Breaking out of her trance, she offers to turn down their bed. Sadie declines, as they’ve only just arrived and the bed is still made. Lustraya says she must be thinking of someone else, and leaves.
Sadie says she’s noticed something about the cottage owners, and Frank says he has too - that they’re a perfect match, to which Sadie agrees.
Lustraya and Cheston’s daughter, Shell, enters. Shell tells the Doyles that her parents own the inn, or used to own it, and that the cottage has possibly taken possession of their souls. The Doyles tell her that if she gave them a minute or two, they could tell her who had possession of who's soul. Shell leaves.
Sadie brushes off Shell’s behaviour as typical teenage behaviour. Frank says, to stop them being interrupted by the family, they should put up the ‘do not disturb’ sign, to which Sadie enthusiastically agrees.
Before Frank can put it up, Cheston enters looking for Lustraya. The Doyles tell him that they saw her when she came to change the sheets, and Cheston says that Lustraya must be “confused”, as they have only just arrived. Cheston tells the Doyles not to worry, as he doesn’t think Lustraya is “dangerous”. Sadie asks if there is a chance that she is dangerous, to which Cheston says that she has “good and bad … minutes”, but that she is soothed by the routine of the work and the bed and breakfast.(or she could be set off by it). Cheston says that they haven’t been the same since something happened to their daughter. Sadie asks what happened out of politeness, but Cheston refuses to speak of it (to Frank’s relief).
The Doyles begin to search again for the ‘do not disturb’ sign, only to be interupted by Lustraya. She offers to turn down their bed again, and the Doyles refuse again, saying that they have still only just arrived. Lustraya is confused, and tells the Doyles that they’ve been their for years. Frank says it only feels that way, and Lustraya says it will, and then leaves.
Sadie finds the ‘’do not disturb’ sign, but doesn’t have time to put it on the door before they’re interrupted by Shell, who tells them the activities schedule which her own morbid asides on each entry, then leaves.
Frank puts the ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door and the Doyles toast. Sadie and Frank agree that one of the three family members has died and is haunting the other into madness - Frank thinks it’s the daughter, while Sadie says it’s the wife. The Doyles decide to bet on the outcome, to make things interesting for themselves.
The Doyles wait for the family to re-enter, before remembering that they’ve put the ‘do not disturb’ sign up. After taking it down, Cheston enters and says that the windows told him to come. Sadie wants to asks Cheston straight away if he’s a ghost, but Frank stops her, saying they have to build up to it. After some very brief small talk, Sadie asks, and Cheston says he is not a ghost. Pleased to have ruled him out, the Doyles send him away, saying that the windows told them to tell him to go to the front desk.
Lustraya enters, offering to turn down their bed again. After some very brief small talk, Frank asks her is she’s a ghost. Lustraya says that ghosts aren’t real, and that she’s real, and therefore couldn’t be a ghost. Having ruled her out, the Doyles get her to leave.
Shell enters, and this time the Doyles do not bother with small talk. She says that she’s not a ghost either. Frank asks Shell if her mother is a ghost, and Shell says that she is, and that her father put her mother in a wall (or maybe she did).
Twin girls arrive, speaking in unison. Shell says that they’re her friends, and that they lived in the cottage before she did. Sadie asks Shell if she’s certain she’s not a ghost, and Shell says she isn’t sure.
Cheston appears, looking for his wife. The twins claim to have brought him there, but Cheston disagrees says that he always wanted to open an bed and breakfast. Lustraya agree with her husband but says that in the end “it opened [them]”.
Sadie says she gets the feeling that everyone there is a ghost, and Cheston says that not everyone is, the Doyles aren’t - not yet. Frank tries to confirm whether or not they’re ghosts, and Cheston says they aren’t, but the twins say that they are.
Sadie asks the twins if they’re answering on the family’s behalf as well, and the twins say that they are. Frank wonders how they fix ghosts who don’t know they’re ghosts, and Sadie says that perhaps there’s nothing to do but leave.
A bartender appears, offering them a drink for the road, which the Doyles accept. Frank offers the family a drink as well, but Cheston says that they can’t (but that the Doyles must). The Doyles go to leave but the bartender says they can’t.
Frank asks if they’re trapped and the twins say the Doyles will be - by their own hands. Sadie says that a situation such as the one they’re in magnifies all of the negative feelings they have ever had about each other to a “murderous” degree. Sadie says they’ll get back to the ghosts if they ever have such feelings about each other.
Cheston is disbelieving that they don’t have any problems with each other, and Frank tries to think of any. Sadie says she can think of one - that Frank’s moustache tickles her - to which Frank asks if she doesn’t mean that she hates that she loves it. Sadie says no - she loves that she loves it.
Frank apologises to the family - they tried, but they simply don’t have any problems with each other and never have. Cheston says if they don’t have any of their own they can have some of theirs. The Doyles are filled with the family’s murderous rage, and Cheston and Lustraya hand the Doyles an axe each.
Frank says that all that remains is for them to say goodbye to each other. The Doyles say that they will miss each other, and give such a heartfelt goodbye to each other that it move the family to tears. Cheston tells the Doyles not to do it, and they remove the rage from the Doyles and depart.
Alone once more, the Doyles wish each other a happy anniversary.
Cheston: You say that, but when you try our muffins you’ll wish you could stay forever.
Frank: Has anyone ever taken you up on that?
Cheston: You’d be surprised.
Frank: I really would be.
Lustraya: And dreams they say are only a thread’s width from nightmares.
Frank: They don’t say that.
Sadie: Do you know what I think?
Frank: One of this family of innkeepers is deceased and haunting the other two to the point of madness?
Sadie: To us, darling.
Frank: To you more than to me, love.
Frank: Betrayed by a bartender! It’s how we always knew we’d go!
Frank: All that remains is to say goodbye.
Sadie: I shall miss you darling.
Frank: And I shall miss you darling. The first moment we met was intoxicating, and I’ve been drunk ever since.
Sadie: Frank, when I met you everything in the world changed … or everything in me did. You were the missing part of me.
Frank: Sadie-love, there’s no one I’d rather murder to death.
Sadie: To death.
Frank: Goodbye Sadistic. Sadie: Goodbye Frankenstien.
- Clink count: 11
- This episode was also performed at the 9th Anniversary Show in March 8, 2014, with Matt Gourley playing the role of the bartender.
- This is the 230th episode of the Thrilling Adventure Hour.
- The previous episode is The Cross-Time Adventures of Colonel Tick-Tock - Refurbished.
- The next episode is Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars - Order in the Courtship.
- The previous episode in Beyond Belief canon is Straight on til Mourning (TAH #226).
- The next episode in Beyond Belief canon is Mannequin Episode (TAH #232).
This episode was recorded at May 23, 2015 at the Opera House in Wellington, New Zealand and released on June 13, 2016.
- Writers: Ben Acker and Ben Blacker
- Music: Andy Paley, Jonathan Dinerstein, and Becky Ward
- Producers: Acker & Blacker