Blood Simpleton is an episode of Beyond Beyond Belief.
Episode audio on Megaphone (segment beings at 31:45)
The episode opens at a Manhattan where Charlie and Viv are delivering a crate. Viv mentions that Charlie has been unusually quiet during their drive there, as he is usually a ”chatterbox”. Charlie says that this is because he isn’t feeling like himself, almost as though he has millipedes crawling on his skin and thinks that he may be getting ill, although he feels better now that they are outside of their truck.
Viv says that he felt the same way while they were in the truck, especially because he was unnerved by Charlie’s silence. Charlie apologises for making him feel uncomfortable, and says that they should hurry and move the crate from the truck into the auction house so that they can be done for the day. The two discuss the odd feeling when touching the crate.
As they move the crate into the downstairs storage area, they begin to hear whispering and something escapes the crate. Startled, they drop the crate and begin to stomp on the creature. Charlie and Viv try to find a suitable description of the creature, before they are interrupted by Allisade and Agonia, who explain that they have dropped and stomped “The Night Kaiser” and introduce themselves (eventually) as vampires. The Night Kaiser was their sire.
Viv and Charlie are disbelieving that they are vampires, but apologise for dropping and stomping on Allisade and Agonia’s “dad”. Allisade and Agonia explain that he was not their father but their Sire, and as Viv and Charlie have stomped him into defeat, by vampire law this means Viv and Charlie are now their Sires (and the Sires of all the vampires that The Night Kaiser sired). Viv and Charlie say they don’t want this, as they don’t know what to do with two vampires. Allisade says there is not just the two of them but four thousand vampires, one hundred and forty of which that they are now the Sires of.
Charlie remarks that the two of them arrived on the scene quite fast for there being so many vampires in the area. Agonia says that Allisade was rushing there in an attempt to challenge the Night Kaiser to combat in the hopes on defeating him and gaining control of the other vampires in the area. Agonia was to be his second in battle.
Charlie says that Viv could use some ambition in his own life - he needs and deserves a raise, but won’t ask their boss for one, even with Charlie’s encouragement.
Charlie tells Allisade that he should just tell the other vampires that he won against the Night Kaiser in battle, as he and Viv have no desire to be in charge of vampires. Viv says that he might. Charlie says that he doesn’t have room in his life to be in charge of a group of vampires. Viv says that he could have more room in his life if the vampires did it for him. Charlie briefly considers it but feels that this would be taking advantage of them.
Allisade says he cannot, as it is against the rules, and he does not believe that he could defeat Viv and Charlie in combat as they are too “beefy”. Allisade asks them what they would have him do.
With the vampires help, Charlie gets a bouquet of roses and a necklace of pearls as anniversary gift for his wife. Viv uses the vampires to help him get better at bowling. He is soon winning championship matches within his league. Charlie impresses his wife with his dancing skills, as taught to him by the vampires.
Given courage by his new bowling skills, Viv asks for and received his raise. Charlie feels frustrated by the willingness of the vampires to do whatever they ask, continuing to feel that he is taking advantage of them.
After four months, Charlie and Viv discuss how the vampires have helped them so much in their lives, but that they feel they have no helped the vampires. They’re not sure how to help them, as they don’t know much about what vampires want, and cannot get the vampires to tell them. Viv comes up with a plan.
Viv and Charlie call over Allisade and Agonia. Viv and Charlie explain that they want Allisade and Agonia to challenge them to vampire combat. Allisade is confused by this, as he and Agonia have served as seconds during Viv and Charlie’s time as Sires, and feels that this is sentencing him and Agonia to death by stomping, and the two beg for their lives.
Charlie explains that he and Viv cannot continue being in charge of the vampires and they should be in charge of themselves. He promises that there will be no kicking during the fight. Allisade hits Charlie with all his strength, which isn’t much, and Charlie fakes going down. Unfortunately, Viv and Charlie didn’t realise that for vampire combat to be complete, one must drink the blood of another. Charlie fights Allisade off from biting his neck and calls off the combat.
Allisade leaves. Agonia tells Viv and Charlie that the combat cannot be finished until one of them is dead, and that Allisade is surely devising a way to destroy them. She advises Viv and Charlie that they should be planning Allisade’s destruction. Agonia leaves to follow Allisade, although she tells Viv and Charlie that she is on their side.
Charlie and Viv lament their plan backfiring. Charlie wishes allowed that he knew someone adept at dealing with this kind of supernatural situation.
- This episode segment is referred to as "Beyond Beyond Belief", and features neither Frank nor Sadie Doyle. For the purposes of this wiki, however, we have assumed that it is part of the larger Beyond Belief universe and will refer to it as a Beyond Belief episode. It is unknown where in Beyond Belief continuity Blood Simpleton lies, or if that continuity matters.
- This episode is part of the first chapter of the Thrilling Adventure Hour Treasury, Unslakable Ambition (TC #1).
- The previous episode is The Hitchhiker Who Was the Phantom of a Hitchhiker (TC #1).
- The previous episode of Beyond Belief is Hell to the Chief (TAH #237).
- The next episode is The Boat Show (FTV #1).
This episode was released on October 29, 2018.